home and love and shoes

two weeks ago, i went to see dita von teese at the beacon theatre.  you remember my mention of it?  well anyway i went.  i saw.  i wore louboutins.  nach.  but just not this particular pair.  for the record, i am not a red sole acolyte, but for dita, who is the worlds best and most gorgeous ambassador for those soles, i knew i just had to.  i mean, how can one go to see dita von teese wearing anything else?

i got married in these shoes.  the second wedding that is.  they were very pristine bridal ivory at the time.  bought in beverly hills, and worn with a very l.a.confidential/jessica rabbit-esque beaded shimmery strapless mermaid gown that i could barely breath in, and my diamond chandelier earrings that would have made mae west very envious, swaying with my every move, catching the late afternoon sun.  glinting after dark.  my hair was parted deeply on one side and cascaded in shiny hollywood waves over one shoulder ever so seductively.  i wore jo malone orange blossom on my wrists, carried a few garden roses wrapped in satin ribbon, vodka on my breath, and most scandalous of all, went absolutely commando underneath.  better to keep the lines of the dress all smooth, as well as feel a nice breeze on that early september day.

it might have been my most beautiful day ever, but alas the second marriage was akin to the hindenburg, and went down in flames in a few short months.  i even burned the photos.  in the barbecue grill, i might add.  and threw the wedding band in the trash.

anyway, pragmatic girl that i was/am, after the wedding, i very quickly had these beauties dyed black.  hot pink was a consideration as well, but either way it didn't matter, because i never wore them again.  infused with bad energy and intense memories, i could barely look at the shoes yet alone wear them.  tinting them mourning black did nothing to cover their sins.

fast forward to may 1st and i was dressing for the night of burlesque ahead of me, and i practically turned the whole place upside down looking for the shoes with the red hot past.  just the thought of wearing those scorching, brazen, memory clogged femme fatale peep toe slippers felt so very right.  the need to wear them was so intense it defied all logic, but they were not to be found.  i managed to unearth another pair of scarlet soles, and off i went, scratching my head as to where the wedding shoes had gone.

 i wore my shimmery pink lamé mini kate the vampires wife dress, and these perfectly fine red soled stilettos.  so kate, i believe...another story, these...

but truly i was strangely overjoyed when i found the wedding shoes hidden away in a closet in my little country cottage when i visited the next week.  odd, but true.  for the first time in my whole life, i don't have parents, a husband, or a child to live with.  i feel weightless and strangely homesick, like there is a loop going round in my head playing footage of alices childhood, and mine as well.  where is home these days?  i don't know.

i just might have spent this past mothers day without seeing my only child.  a first.  i don't know why, but i was ok.  instead of focusing on me, i chose to celebrate the memory of my own mother by setting my table with her funky retro gold flatware that she loved so much, and drinking my coffee out of her china teacup.  i truly know in my heart that someday i will have family again.  life around me.  laughter in my house.  until then i believe i will wear my once ivory but now black satin peep toe platforms, with the baby blue insoles, last worn when i was surrounded by masses and masses of roses, and my mother and a husband and two step children and my daughter by my side, all showered with petals...

why not?